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January 14, 2013
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"I am driving in a Hummer. I am on a two lane highway. I was listening to Counting Crows before panic threatened to cut off my air supply. Air supply is a band. I have no idea what they sing. I'm pretty sure they were a clue on Jeopardy once. I…I…have to pull over so I can breathe."

Omar put on his blinker and steered the over-compensation-mobile to the shoulder of the road. He fumbled with the lock on the door and his heart felt like it was going to burst through his chest when he tried to get out of the car and couldn't. Seatbelt. It was just the seatbelt. His hands were slick with cold sweat by the time the belt whizzed cheerfully back into its place and he managed to slide out onto the shoulder of the road.

He was glad it was so late and glad that the highway was so deserted. He was trembling so hard that the change in his pockets rattled and he never would have been able to speak if someone had pulled up and offered to help. He hated for people to witness his panic. Of course, that was the very definition of his oldest "quirk," diagnosed at the ripe old age of 15. He still remembered the psychologist's explanation.

"It's very simple. Your son Omar has what's known as agoraphobia. This means he—"

"Doesn't that mean he's afraid of cats?" his mother had asked in confusion.

"No, dear," his father had cut in. "It's like claustrophobia, except he's scared of open spaces. Why didn't you ever tell us that?"

Omar had stared, baffled, at them all. Open spaces? This was Nebraska! Anyway, how could he tell something he didn't know?

"Actually, Mr. and Mrs. Donaldson," the not-exactly-patient-Doctor had said. "That's not true. It's not open spaces that Omar has a problem with; it's leaving the house at all. It's a fear relating to other's seeing him as weak due to his inability to control his panic attacks. Once he learns to control the attacks, the agoraphobia may recede on its own."

Omar looked at his hands. They were still tremulous, but not trembling. He remembered his parent's expectant looks in the office that day 15 years ago. It was as if they'd thought that simply hearing he needed to control the panic attacks would be enough.


Clearly that wasn't the case. Otherwise, he would not be on his way to Cape Cod in a rented Hummer in the middle of the night. He stared at the car and willed himself to get back in it. It didn't help.

What if he had another attack? A worse one? What if it happened on a road with more traffic and no shoulders? Or a bridge. Omar shuddered and leaned his head against the black onyx metal flake of the car door. Bridges were another thing that flipped him out.

Then there was the fear of insects. And it was spring. He checked for grasshoppers automatically before giving in to despair again. There was his fear of bridges, his fear of having a heart attack and causing a five hundred car collision, his fear of toll roads. He'd planned his route so that he didn't have to encounter any, but what if he missed an exit?

The fear monster began to claw its way up his throat, leaving gashes that poured panic like inky venom into his veins. He stood paralyzed. He couldn't get into the car, but he couldn't stay out there either. There might be bugs.

He heard the desiccated whimper as if he was far away, but the part of his brain that remained logical knew it was him. He wished that part could take over, but it seemed to be walled off from all the crazy that was the rest of his brain.

Omar reached for the door handle, but before his fingers touched it he yanked his hand back. He'd thought he'd heard a cricket earlier. What if it was there? Hiding and waiting in the cavernous space beneath the door handle? He would touch it. More to the point, it might touch him. It might crawl up his skin and, when he opened his mouth to scream, because he knew he would, it might jump into his mouth. And then, he'd stumble backward in shock and disgust and get mowed down by the one semi truck on the highway.

He glanced down the road, more than half expecting to see headlights, but of course he didn't. He'd never died in any of the ways he'd imagined over the course of his life. Obviously, because he was standing here on the roadside between Nebraska and Massachusetts thinking about how he might die this time.

There was only one option. He used it as a last resort now, but it had once been the only thing that could get him through the day.

Omar closed his eyes and whispered, "Drew? Are you there?"

A knock from inside the Hummer made him jump. Drew was sitting in the driver's seat.

"Am I here?" he repeated with a shake of his head. "I live in your head. Where else would I be?"

"I don't know," Omar answered. "How about out here with me?"

"It looks like rain."

Omar eyed the skies. Drew chuckled.

"Made you look."

"You jerk."

"What do you expect? You keep me locked in your head for months at a time—"

"You should be happy. You used to be stuck with me daily."

"The inside of your head isn't as interesting as you think it is."

"Aren't you just insulting yourself now?"

"Touché. However, I'm not the one standing outside the over-compensation mobile talking to my imaginary friend."

"Touché again," Omar said. "I…can't get in right now."

"Bugs on the handle?" Drew asked sympathetically.

"Are there?"

"How would I know? I'm in here. Like a normal person."

"Why not come and look?" Omar said, going for casual and missing.

Drew sighed and appeared beside him.

"It looks fine."

"Well, sure it does. But do you see the little place under there? It's perfect for a bug."

Drew bent over and peered fearlessly under the door handle.

"It's fine, man."

"What do you know? You're a figment of my imagination."

"I know where bugs ain't," Drew drawled, a leftover of Omar's cowboy phase. "And there aren't any. Why would a bug get under there anyway? Now, come on. It really does look like rain."

Omar glanced up again. Drew laughed at him again. Omar sighed and opened the door. He was cranking the car when he realized how smoothly Drew had accomplished his task. He'd been so annoyed with himself for falling for the same practical joke twice in less than twenty minutes that he'd forgotten the possibility of ninja bugs.

Drew grinned at him from the passenger seat.

"Yes, yes," Omar acknowledged. "Nicely done, sir."

"So you're headed to Cape Cod?" Drew asked from the passenger seat. "Are you sure that's the best choice?"

Omar sighed, put on his blinker, checked each side mirror three times and the rearview twice, and pulled back onto the road.

"No. Yes. Maybe."

"As long as you're sure."

The tone in Drew's voice indicated that Omar was fooling himself. His hands tightened on the wheel and he sighed.

"You know what? I think I'm okay."

Drew flashed him a smile and a swift salute and disappeared. Omar was grateful that he hadn't had to argue. Drew took leaving a lot better now than he had ten years ago when the therapist said that Drew was inhibiting his recovery.

Drew had disagreed and Omar had felt downright insane from the arguments that followed. He recalled them now as the road wound away under his tires.

"You want me to what?"

"Go away?" Omar was aware that it was a question.

"Why?"

"They say you aren't helping."

"Not helping? All I do is help! What about when that cat was staring at you on Wednesday? I'm the only thing that kept you together. Without me you still wouldn't have eggs in the refrigerator!"

"That's not true! I'm sure Mom would have brought me some eggs."

"I thought we talked about that. You're a grown up now—"

"With an imaginary friend! Don't you see that this is crazy?"

"What's crazy is that you don't want my help!"

"I do want your help!"

"Then don't tell me to leave!"

"I have to!"


But, in the end, he'd had to keep Drew. No one else could distract him from the natural world like Drew. It was probably because they shared a brain, but it was nice to be so completely understood. It would be even nicer when he was in Massachusetts.

He drove for five more hours before his eyes started to close. At least he'd finally made it to Cape Cod. He wasn't near the house yet, but the picture he created of falling asleep at the wheel and dying a fiery death trapped in the Hummer while firemen and rescue workers tried in vain to free him was vivid enough to keep his eyes open until he found a hotel with four floors. If the number of floors was odd he wouldn't be able to sleep.

"A room on the second floor please," he said to a sleepy looking clerk.

"The second floor?" the man repeated.

"Yes. The second floor. Not the first. Not the third."

God help him if they put him on the fourth. It was an even number, but what if he tripped over the bedspread and crashed through the window? He'd be much less likely to survive.

"Room 215," the clerk said.

"No." Omar felt like a moron but he went on. "Sorry. It has to be an even number. Like 204 or 206 or something like that."

The clerk stared at him for a long moment. Once he'd figured out that Omar wasn't joking he began typing rapidly again. Omar went back to imagining his fourth floor death. Or worse, what if he didn't die? If he did survive he'd probably have to be in a wheelchair. Then how would he reach things on high shelves in the grocery store. Even worse than that, what if he ended up a quadriplegic? He'd have to be waited on hand and foot. Attended 24/7. He repressed a shudder.

"Here's your key," the clerk said, the impatience in his voice assuring Omar that he'd said it before. "Room 208. Unless there's something wrong with that too."

Omar shook his head and took the key that the clerk shoved at him. As much as he wanted to say thank you, the words stuck in his throat. Now the guy was going to think he was a jerk as well as crazy. He opened his mouth, determined to say something to the clerk who was now staring at him a bit warily, but again, nothing happened. Panic spiked. The key dropped from his suddenly cold fingers and clattered onto the tile floor of the lobby. When he looked down the floor seemed to fall away under his feet. Omar closed his eyes. Not here, not here, not here.

"Come on, man."

He relaxed when he heard Drew's voice behind him. It gave him the presence of mind to bend down and scoop the key from the floor. He stood up, gave the clerk a tight smile that he showed no reaction to, and walked up to the second floor.

"This place looks pretty nice," Drew said as Omar swiped the key card and told himself that there was no maniac behind the door. There probably also wasn't a body under the mattress. "Not as nice as it could be though."

"Good enough," Omar said in a low voice.

The last thing he needed was someone else on the floor calling security about the weird guy who was talking to himself in room 208.

"Not really," Drew said. "I'm thinking this is three star at best. Two and a half if you count the desk clerk with no knowledge of the Americans with Disabilities Act."

"Crazy doesn't show."

"You insisted on the second floor and flipped out when he put you in an odd numbered room. I'm pretty sure he could tell."

"Thanks a lot." Omar tossed the extra pillow off the bed and turned down the covers.

"Go ahead and check for a body," Drew said as he leaned against the window.

"Don't lean like that," Omar answered as he did just that.

"What do you think is going to happen to me? Even if I could somehow pop the window out of the frame, do you really think that your imaginary friend is going to fall to his death?"

"You live in my head. You should be more scared."

Drew cast the window a suspicious glance and stood upright.

"I suppose that's a good point. I never know what you're going to dream up for me."

"I never think about your death."

Omar left Drew watching late night television on the bed while he took a shower. Drew had been right. Three stars would cover it. Nothing in the room was dirty, but the owner of the hotel clearly saw no need to update the clearly eighties décor.

He didn't really blame the anonymous owner. As long as he didn't have bedbugs, or see mold he had surprisingly few issues with hotel rooms. Of course with the bedbugs, he wouldn't really know until about six weeks later when he started to itch from the scabies. He scrubbed harder.

When he felt clean enough he stepped out, dried off, and pulled on his flannel pajama pants and a tee shirt. Drew was lying across the bottom of the bed.

"You're in my way."

"I'm imaginary."

"I'm imagining that you're in my way."

Drew sighed and stood up. Omar turned off the TV and collapsed into the bed with a sigh of his own.

"Are you ready to tell me why Cape Cod yet?" Drew asked.

"No."

Omar turned off the light.

"That's the trouble with imaginary friends. I'm just as real in the dark as I am when the light is on."

"Go away."

"No."

"Oh come on! Let's not do this again."

"You need to talk about this. Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't keep popping up."

"I won the lottery," Omar admitted.

"So that's where the travel money came from? You never do anything cool. I was hoping you'd robbed a bank."

"You know how I feel about guns."

"The chance of it actually backfiring and blowing off half of your face is—"

"We've been through this."

"Okay, go on. You won the lottery."

"I guess not exactly the lottery. You know that new casino?"

"Sure."

"I went in."

"And you didn't take me?"

"My therapist wouldn't let me. Anyway, I played a dollar in a slot machine. I…won."

"How much?"

"Jackpot. 25."

"Thousand?"

"Million," Omar corrected.

"And you're staying in this dump?" Drew's voice went nearly squeaky with indignation.

"We've talked about that too."

"So now that you're a millionaire you had to move to…Cape Cod? Maybe I'm missing something, but I thought you were happy in Nebraska."

"I was."

"Then what's all this?"

"Did you know I had several sets of cousins three towns over?"

"No. I don't see what…oh."

"Yeah. I've got family coming out of the woodwork. Everyone wants to chat and casually work in their sob stories over the course of a few days. I don't want people in my house for a few hours and they…they just expect to show up! I actually hid in the bathroom for six hours last week and when I came out they acted like everything was okay."

"Maybe they're just being nice."

"They are not nice." Omar pushed his hands through his hair. "It's like living surrounded by vultures."

"You like living alone."

"Yes."

"You don't want to socialize with your extended family."

"No."

"You want a quiet simple life."

"Yes!"

"Then take it from me," Drew's voice was suddenly serious. "You should not have pulled that lever."

"I know."

Omar rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes.

"I don't want to talk anymore all right?"

"All right. You know where to find me."

When Omar woke up he was still tired and it didn't bode well for his silly plan of buying a house. To buy a house he'd have to meet with a realtor. To meet with a realtor he'd have to talk. To talk, he was afraid he might have to bring Drew with him.

"I'd be happy to."

"You're awfully eager to show up lately."

"You're rich. Why wouldn't I hang out here? Besides, I'm living with you. I should get a say."

"You have to keep quiet though. I don't want to look insane."

"You're having a conversation with me while we're walking through the lobby."

Omar swore under his breath. At least it was a different clerk looking at him like he was a crazy person this time. He gave her a small wave and hurried out.

"That's a nice house," Drew pointed out a bit later.

"That's not for sale."

"Well, I'm just saying."

Omar sighed and pulled into the first realtor office he found.

"She's going to think I'm insane."

"All realtors hate their clients."

"That doesn't help."

"Come on. Be firm. Tell her what you want."

So Omar found himself explaining to a very nice woman in a very purple pantsuit that he had to have a house with some space and it had to be an even number and it had to have an upstairs but it couldn't have a basement.

When he was out of conditions and she'd covered three sheets in her neat purple flowered notebook she said, "All right then, we'll see what we can do!"

"Today?"

"Sure! My other appointment cancelled. Let me go through some listings and see what I can find."

Omar waited in the Hummer.

"See? She didn't think you were a basket case."

"She wants my money. Just like everyone else."

As bitter as Omar felt, as frustrated as he was with trying to appear normal, by the end of the day he'd found a house that worked for him…and Drew of course.

There was space, there was light, there were two stories and no basement. It was almost exactly like his house in Nebraska. It was perfect. Not to his surprise, the loan wasn't a problem.

Two weeks later, Omar and Drew relaxed on the couch he'd ordered online.

"I have to say," Drew commented. "I'm glad you're letting me out more."

"Keeping you locked up is pretty difficult."

Omar popped the top of his beer and took a sip.

"You actually seem…happy."

"Yeah. Who knew? All I need in life is no family and my imaginary friend."

"And unlimited money."

Omar raised his beer to that and flipped the TV on. It was different, but all in all, it wasn't bad.
My dice were 4, 6, 2, and 5.

Word Count: 2,500 and 5,000 words (actual word count 3,184)
Protagonist: Omar, the agoraphobic who's native to Nebraska.
Setting: Cape Cod
The Crossing or Dilemma: Take it from me, you should not have pulled that lever.

Comments are welcome and much appreciated!
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-06-06
*Chimera64 takes the reader down a compelling road in Conversation . ( Featured by neurotype )
:iconjust1ofamillion:
just1ofamillion Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Student Writer
Okay that was... really good. There's this sort of snide, self deprecating tone to it but there's also kindness towards Omar and it's like accepting him. Or something. Sorry I just really liked this. At first it took me a little while to get into the flow of the story; there were a few instances where a word was repeated within a sentence or things got a tad choppy.

But really. The way you incorporated the prompt was so good. And I really liked Drew.

Sorry for any and all incoherence. Have a lovely day and this is definitely a favorite.

charlee
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013   Writer
Featured [link]
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::blowkiss::iconflyingheartsplz:
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:iconryanisnasty:
ryanisnasty Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
Congratulations on the well deserved DD!
I hope you have a fantastic day!
:huggle:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you! It was pretty fantastic when I saw this :)
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:iconryanisnasty:
ryanisnasty Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013
You're welcome :D
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:iconwinterstray:
Winterstray Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think I'm going to have to favourite this c:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks :)
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:iconwinterstray:
Winterstray Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :D
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013   Writer
This is great. Good writing, snazzy dialogue, great characters. I find myself wishing I had a Drew, which, I guess, puts me at odds with Omar's therapist - but honestly I have to wonder what the deal is with Omar's therapist, anyway. Why is an effective coping mechanism a bad thing, again? It's not an unrealistic thing for a therapist to say, but I don't agree with it.

I'm additionally impressed by the way this was written from prompt. The contest sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I didn't pay it any attention at the time and I haven't read any other entries, so maybe you're not unique in this - but I love that you were able to take all these random elements and fit them together in a way that seems completely natural.

A few nitpicks, because I can't comment on prose without finding a nit to pick somewhere:

- but the owner of the hotel clearly saw no need to update the clearly eighties décor.

- In the first italicized section - is the last paragraph of that really meant to be italic?

- I found the ending a little bit unsatisfying. Anticlimactic, I guess. I found everything up to the Two weeks later well-paced and well-written (it held my interest is what I'm saying here), but the very end just seems a little bit too perfect, cookie-cutter pasted-on. (I tend to have this reaction with any sort of Two weeks later ending, though, so it may just be a matter of personal preference.)

I like your depiction of Omar quite a lot, but what makes this story so great is really the interaction between Omar. It's very natural and reeks of close, easy friendship. And I have to say I like the way they're both so casual about Drew's imaginary status. :lol:
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:iconcaptain-random:
Captain-Random Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Professional Writer
I love the tone you took with this story. Omar's plight was intriguing to start, and only grew more interesting the more I read. Even with his "quirks", he comes across as someone I could relate to and root for. An all-around great job!
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :) I'm glad he came across as the good kind of crazy.
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:iconeilonwyg:
EilonwyG Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
This was very engaging, the dialogue was entertaining and I loved your characters. Drew sounds like a voice in my head, too, someone who tells me it'll be okay when sometimes it doesn't seem to be, or tells me not to pussy out on things I really want but are afraid to go for. Who doesn't need a Drew at times in their life? You really wrote this well, adding humor and realism to the story. Congrats on the DD, you deserve it!
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lol, this is one of the most interesting pieces of prose I've ever read. :XD: I just kept saying to myself, "Dang, this Omar is frickin' insane," but all in the same token, he's almost relatable and Drew is definitely a great, charming character. All in all, this was a really amazing piece and you most certainly deserve the Daily Deviation. Congratulations and thank you for taking time out of your day to write such an amazing piece. :)
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. :)
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:iconhastymage:
HastyMage Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is amazing! I love the dialogue between the characters.
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:iconbri-aboredperson:
Bri-ABoredPerson Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
Clever dialogue and good plot. I'm sure we all have our own Drew. ^^
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks :) I think so too...or at least it makes me feel better to think that I'm not the only one with a version of Drew!
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:iconwhite-blank-slate:
white-blank-slate Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is fantastic! Very unique! I loved the banter between the two characters. :)
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconwhite-blank-slate:
white-blank-slate Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're quite welcome. ^^
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:iconzjoriz:
zJoriz Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
Beautiful writing! You've concocted a great story.
What's with the 'dice'?
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
This was an entry for a contest at The Written Revolution. They tossed dice to determine the components of the prompt. There were dice for character, setting, turning point, story length, and a few others. This is the prompt I ended up with. It's a fun group :)
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:iconzjoriz:
zJoriz Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2013
Ah, I see :D
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:iconnataroque:
nataroque Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
This was great, extremely entertaining and original. Definitely deserved the DD!
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconemmyisazebra:
EmmyIsAZebra Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh man, I really loved this! The dialogue was great and the concept was fresh (to me). Well done and congrats on the well deserved feature! :heart:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Yeah, I don't think there are nearly enough stories about imaginary friends out there. Thank you!
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:iconemmyisazebra:
EmmyIsAZebra Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle: truth. and you're welcome!
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:iconhomunculus888:
homunculus888 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
How did you get in my head and pull this stuff out without me knowing about it?

Oh yes, other people have similar problems I guess.

My worry about winning a lottery is the responsibilities I would feel about all the people I could help - the poor, sick, disabled, underprivileged, and so on. How would I decide what to do with it? But I still buy tickets in the company pool. What if they win and I'm not in it? I'd be devastated. But what if criminals find out I won and kidnap me to get my money? My inner Drew tells me to shut up now.
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    Have a nice day! :heart:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks!
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    My pleasure :happybounce:
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:iconestuari:
Estuari Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
I really enjoyed your sense of humor that was displayed in Drew's and Omar's conversations. Congratulations on the daily deviation :D
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013   Writer
Congratulations on the DD! I found this to be engaging from beginning to end. You let the little secrets of Omar's life out in such an interesting fashion, I read this at almost 2 a.m. and didn't feel it was too long, too average or too 'anything' but very good. Thank you. :+fav:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm glad it's still good at 2 am! That's a pretty good test I think. If I still enjoy it when my brain isn't really functioning (which for me is anytime before noon) it's pretty good :D
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013   Writer
;) It is. Sorry for the late reply.
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:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
I was entertained. I think I was looking for something a bit more punchy at the end--something urban fantasy, maybe--but I certainly enjoyed the whole read. Thanks for sharing.
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Yeah, I can agree to that. I rushed the ending a bit to meet the deadline so it's a little more cut off than I wanted it to be. I'm actually thinking of expanding it into a novella at some point though.
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:iconvanmall:
vanmall Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congrats on the Daily Deviation! :happybounce:
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks! I was freaking out!
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:iconvanmall:
vanmall Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome. :aww:
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Student Writer
Forgive me for the lateness of the critique! :faint: Life has been hectic. But, anyway, here you are. Remember, as a critique, it's really all just suggestions and observations from me; it's completely up to you as the writer to decide whether you want to use them or not!

First of all, can I say, I adore the dialogue in this, as well as the entire premise of this piece. It reads so - easily, and not forced at all, and it was a pleasure to read. I hardly even noticed you slipping in the line about the lever. Dialogue like this:

"You're in my way."

"I'm imaginary."

"I'm imagining that you're in my way."


- was really all around fantastic. I loved Omar as a character, he was fantastic, and Drew was incredibly believable. In regards to plot, I believe I have no suggestions at all, because Omar seemed just the type to run away from family of money-vultures. :lol:

One suggestion I would have regarding this work would be: you have a lot of dialogue-only lines, which really works for the most part, but in one section, from I'm just as real in the dark as I am when the light is on (excellent line, by the way - bravo) to Omar saying Millions, doesn't have much in way of description of expression or tone - which of course, works well for the short lines, but Drew's comment about robbing a bank, or Omar's explanation of putting a dollar in the machine could benefit with a little more elaboration, I think, as I personally found it hard to put a face to the words as they were speaking them, there.

Otherwise, I don't have much, apart from some nitpicks, grammar-wise:
:bulletblue: "Air Supply is a band. I have no idea what they sing. I'm pretty sure they were a clue on Jeopardy once. I, I… have to pull over so I can breathe." (Capital S for Air Supply, and I would suggest having a comma between the two 'I's so as to show a stuttering for breath, rather than a simple pause?)

:bulletblue: Omar reached for the door handle, but before his fingers touched it, he yanked his hand back (Comma!)

:bulletblue: You're a grown-up now— (Hyphen between grown-up.)

This was a really fantastic read - fun, serious, and interesting. Lovely characters, lovely premise, and lovely writing, really. I hope my critique helped at least a little! And congratulations on placing! :heart:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wanted to let you know I've featured this piece in my journal!: [link]
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really enjoyed this, and was particularly impressed by the way you used your dilemma prompt! Great characterisation between Omar and Drew, too.
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:iconchimera64:
Chimera64 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
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